Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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