I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
