This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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