I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
