Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
