Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
