The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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