Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
