if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
