The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
