I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
