so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
