I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
