i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
