I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
