I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
