I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
