Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
