Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
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