I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
