My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
