That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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