So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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