Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
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