I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
