PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
