I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
