this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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