In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
wow bdsm is so cute
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
