It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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