Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
