before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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