I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize