Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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