This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize