Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
