This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
