he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
