You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize