If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
