i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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