dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
