I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
wow bdsm is so cute
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
