Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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