He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
