Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
