remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
