she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
