hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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