Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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