Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
