Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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