you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize