Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
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