I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
