Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
