Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
