I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
