Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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